tv The Colbert Report Comedy Central October 2, 2013 1:30am-2:00am PDT
>> jon: that's our show. join us tomorrow night. here is your moment of zen. >> it is a very limited economic impact from this shutdown. >> right. >> i don't know how many millions of dollars a day it is costing but it is not that big of a deal. >> the cost of all of this you might be wondering, well it is estimated to captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by comedy central
(cheers and applause) hey! thank you so much! welcome to the "report,"! thank you for joining us, ladies and gentlemen! thank you so much. thank you, folks, thank you for being here. thank you for braving the marauding gangs and packs of wild dogs that now rule the night in america! (laughter) because as of midnight last night the government of the united states officially closed for business. finally a chance to use our famous nation-building skills right at home. (laughter) and jimmy, tell the folks what else we've won. >> the federal government has shut its doors for the first time in nearly two decades. >> the landmark monuments and museums in washington, d.c. will be shut down. i.r.s. tax refunds will be suspended. new home loans from the federal housing administration won't be processed. the nation's 400 national parks will be shut down.
virtually all of nasa will go dark. >> employees at the e.p.a., the environmental protection agency which regulates the quality of our air and water, they could lose 94% of its work force. >> stephen: no e.p.a.? okay, well, time to dump some old house paint down the storm drain! (laughter) there we go. there we go. (laughter) this will take a second. sorry. there you go. (cheers and applause) sorry. sorry, dolphins. you had a good run. (laughter) you know what? water used to be blue until i dumped this (bleep) in there. there you go. now, folks, the federal government may be shuttered, but the colbert nation is alive and well. (cheers and applause) and i am proud and prepared to fill the power vacuum as you are lord of the afterscape!
(cheers and applause) ur-lord lord of the afterscape. bow before me! bring me tributes of sheep and unsoiled daughters! i also accept visa! (laughter) i will seize all government functions. who needs the f.d.a.? just send me your drugs. i'll test them for you. (laughter) for instance, these right here belong to -- these belong to brenda, my stage manager. (laughter) (cheers and applause) i will let her know in 14 days if i love late. (laughter) if i ovulate. i'm feeling a little tender. of course, not all services are so easily replaced. >> also dark, the national zoo's panda cam. the volunteers who run the camera are not allowed on zoo
property while the shutdown is in effect. >> stephen: well, that one really hits home! but don't worry, i got that one covered, too. jay, come on out here, everybody. jay the intern, everybody. (cheers and applause) jay. jay, how's the bamboo taste. >> i lost a tooth. >> stephen: well, choke it down, mei pang, you will need your strength for mating. >> what? i'm going to mate with a lady panda? >> stephen: not a lady panda, jay. (laughter) jay, back in the cage, america is watching. come on, chop-chop. come on, let's get going. (cheers and applause) go, go! don't forget to display your hand quarters. he likes that. (laughter) folks, despite the total failure of our government to perform its most basic function, there's also some bad news: obamacare is here and the obamacare horror stories are rolling in. >> the obamacare bumpy start
already. error messages, glitches in the first few hours. >> stephen: some individual states are experiencing even more severe glitches. if you tried to sign up in new jersey this morning you were told that the entire system was down! >> the federally run site for obamacare exchanges in 36 states is posting error messages because it can not handle the volume of traffic. >> stephen: too many people signing up is always the surest sign that nobody wants it. (laughter) but even if, folks, even if the sign-up process works perfectly, fox host susteren van greta knows that this so-called health care for everyone will leave people behind. >> if i don't have a computer, what about me? >> there is a call-in -- call center for folks who would prefer to do it over the phone and there are also in-person assisters, people called navigators who sort of teamed up with community organizations, churches, organizations like
that to offer in person. >> stephen: where do i go? how do i know? it's like i don't have a clue. >> they -- that's sort of the easiest way to find out where to go is health care.gov. >> so i need a computer! >> stephen: oh, so the affordable health care act requires everyone to buy a computer. (laughter) which you can't even order online without, you guessed it, a computer. (laughter) so now i need two computers? (laughter) welcome to obama's america! there was some other way to sign up? what was that? >> there is a call-in -- a call center for folks who would prefer to do it over the phone. >> stephen: the phone? you mean mr. bell's demon box? (laughter) how am i supposed to navigate this infernal contraption? i don't have a clue! i mean, look at these numbers. why is there even a hashtag button down here? (laughter) are we supposed to tweet our health problems now? (laughter)
hashtag thunder junk. great. now everybody in america knows i have that chronic thunder junk. (laughter) clearly just signing up for this boondoggle is a cask aesque labyrinth wrapped in an m.c. escher painting trapped in one of those clam shell headphone packages. i will see you in hell, panasonic! (laughter) but, folks, all is not lost. there is one last hope for defeating obamacare. >> there's a message war under way and the target is healthy young people. so if young people don't sign up for obamacare, for insurance on the insurance exchanges when it opens, when they open october 1, the law is going to be in real trouble. >> they need these people. they need their premiums to cover those who are sicker and have higher costs. >> stephen: yes. obamacare needs the premiums of healthier people to cover the costs of sicker people. it's a devious con that can only be described as -- insurance.
(laughter) so, folks, the battle comes down to who can win over the young. and the president is trolling for our kids on the internet. >> the white house is tweeting photos of hamsters and pandas, rebranding it as the adorable care act. >> it's a social media campaign called the adorable care act features pictures of these cute little animals alongside messages of support for the health care law. that one, i believe, is a mouse. it could be a hamster, i don't know. >> stephen: it could be a mouse, it could be a hamster, i don't know. thanks to obamacare, it could be a rat that had gerbil reassignment surgery. (laughter) who knows? sick stuff. sick stuff. folks, i am shocked that democrats are engaged in this crude emotional manipulation! they're usually not this good at it. (laughter) so tonight i have started a campaign i'm calling the abominable care act featuring ugly animals revealing the true dangers of obamacare.
for instance, "i pick my own doctor and he cut off my balls, thanks, obamacare!" (laughter) fortunately i'm not the only one out here fighting back against the scourge of affordable health care for everyone. there's also generation opportunity, a political group for young people funded by the koch brothers. the k-brahs! bros before h.m.o.s! (laughter) the kochs go with youth like peanut butter goes with ensuring. (laughter) what's up? generation opportunity is spearheading a campaign encouraging youth to opt out of obamacare. as the group's president youth raps to the street kids "what we're trying to communicate is, no, you're actually not required to buy health insurance, you might have to pay a fine but that's going to be cheaper for
you and better for you." yes! it's going to be cheaper and better for you! not only do you get to pay a fine, you also don't get insurance! it's like renting instead of buying and then not getting a place to live! (laughter) and to reach the young lings, gen-op is hosting college football tailgate parties and passing out beer koozies that read "opt out." this is a great idea. because why would a drunk college student ever need health insurance? (laughter) (audience reacts) we'll be right back-- though i'm not sure about this guy. (laughter)
>> stephen: hola. you just caught me celebrating hispanic culture. i'm wearing mexico's official hat and the traditional mexican area rug with the hole cut in it. (laughter) and i'm heating up un muy siete once. (laughter) hey! hey, that's really (bleep)ing hot! (laughter) you know what? wow! (laughs) that is much hotter than we
rehearsed! that would go great with un gulpo mass grande. it's such a rich culture. himmy, play me some mexican music to get me over to the desk. ♪ come on shake your body ♪ baby do that conga ♪ i know you can't control yourself any longer ♪ ♪ ♪ >> stephen: you see, folks, i am celebrating my latino hermanos and hismanos even more than usual because it is hispanic heritage month which runs from september 15 to act 15. yes, even their heritage month jumped the border. (laughter) when will we finally build the fence? folks, national hispanic heritage month goes all the way back to 1968 when it was first approved by famous
latino-american president leendon yonson. (laughter) and my friends over at fox news have really taken their hispanic heritage festivities up a notch this year by having some. jim? let's start the celebration. >> mexico is not a friend to the u.s.a. >> los angeles county set to pay $650 million in welfare benefits this year to illegals who have children. >> illegal aliens are destroying that state. >> heinous crimes committed by illegal aliens occur regularly. >> instead of calling them illegals, let's call them occupiers or trespassers or invaders or squatters. (audience reacts). >> stephen: oh, i'm sorry! that was wrong footage. i mean, some of that is from way back in september of -- this september. (laughter) jimmy, show them the new latino heritage honoring fox news. >> goya foods is a third-generation family-run billion-dollar operation. a lot of people just know them for their rice and beans. you'll find goya products just
about everywhere. >> thank you for that wonderful report from the international foods aisle. (laughter) i look forward to fox news' report on italian heritage featuring chef boyardee. (laughter) all this month, ladies and gentlemen, fox news has been loaded with moving tributes to latino culture. >> an estimated 100,000 children of 60,000 undocumented parents received aid in l.a. county. >> stephen: did you catch that? chris wallace was talking about the offspring of undocumented immigrants and his graphic reads "children of the corn." (audience reacts) folks, that's just hispanic heritage. either because they pick corn or they eat a lot of corn or because that movie about a cult of children who murder every adult in town. it's still a compliment because hispanic kids murder everyone for half the price. (laughter) fox news, bravo! that is an hispanic word, i
i'll pretend to understand him more than i actually do. please welcome daniel radcliffe! (cheers and applause) hey, daniel! good to see you. sit down! >> thank you! >> stephen: super excited to have you on. >> thank you. >> stephen: thank you for being here. >> thank you for having me. i've been a fan for a while. >> stephen: i've been a fan of yours since you were just -- the height you are now, actually. >> exactly. i was going to say. >> stephen: i was expecting a spurt at the end and it never came. >> weren't we all. >> stephen: you starred in the eight harr ary potter films and you're like maybe one of the most famous people in the world right now. (cheers and applause) but now you have -- you branched out of the films, you've done "equus" you've done "how to suck sneed business without really trying." are you afraid of being pigeon hold as a young attractive successful dancer who can also sing and dance? does that worry you to be pigeon
holed as a triple threat? >> that keeps me up at night. no one wants to be thought of as that. i'm flattered you've noticed all the other things. >> stephen: i'm not saying i'm stalking you. (laughter) >> no, no. it would be fine if you were, though, i wouldn't -- that would be okay. >> stephen: that's very generous. so few of my guests say that. (laughter) >> i thought i'd offer you to opportunity to stalk me. it's why i came here. i thought we could talk about this. >> stephen: that would be beautiful. you really stretched in this latest project. you're actually playing a -- alan ginsburg. >> yes, as unlikely as that sounds. >> stephen: exactly. jim, can we put up a picture of alan ginsburg, please. (audience reacts) that's alan ginsburg right there. >> yeah. >> stephen: i see it, i totally see it. (applause) for the people who don't know who alan ginsburg is, tell the folks. >> alan ginsburg was part of the beat generation of poets which is a very influential kind of school of movement of american writers in the 20th century.
that kind of school of thought was that they could -- it was quite a -- they took excitement in the nihilism of what they were doing and the idea of tearing everything down that had gone before and starting fresh like this was year one. >> stephen: they were anti-american, really. they were anti-american. no, they were! because they were questioning the moral and social order with their work. >> but that's great, isn't it? isn't it good to question things. >> stephen: no, it wasn't! because it was the 1950s. everything was perfect. eisenhower, everyone was straight, white, and male. (laughter) and these guys were questioning it and questioning the bomb! and questioning america's place in the world and what we meant by our society. >> stephen: . >> well, this film also bricks into your your assertion that everyone. in this era was straight. >> stephen: they were. they were. they were. they were. yeah. i think the beat poets invented being gay. (laughter) >> um -- i -- they certainly enjoyed it but --
(laughter). i don't -- i certainly don't -- they can claim to have invented it. i'm afraid to break it to you. this has been going on for years. (laughter) >> stephen: really? >> yes! >> stephen: so, like, the depression? there were -- >> through all that. i imagine that's how a lot of people -- i imagine it piss add lot of people off. >> stephen: keep a stiff upper lip, as they say. (laughter) let me ask you something. i noticed that a lot of actors are english people. (laughter) now, are a lot of people are actors, however you want to cut that. >> it's true. stphaou why is it? is it an attempt to get over the speech impediment. (laughter) because you do an american accent with this guy, right? >> yeah. yeah. no, i can -- i've learned to speak properly over here. >> stephen: you have! we have a clip of you talking -- talking right.
(laughter) >> how's your yates? have you read "a vision"? >> never heard of it. >> oh, it's completely brilliant. and impossible. if you said that life is round, they were stuck on this wheel of living and dying and endless circle until someone breaks it. you walked in here, you rupture it had pattern. bang! the whole world gets wider. how did you -- a reiteration of themes. >> are you a writer? 6- >> stephen: wow. (cheers and applause) >> that was also my american hair, you notice in that clip as well. >> stephen: it was, yeah. (laughter) what's your hope for an american
accent? what do you say to get you started? >> you know what? i didn't -- i think because i spent a lot of time around americans growing up on the "harry potter" set my kind of generic american accent is based on chris columbus who directed the first two films. and also as a kid in england you are kind of sufficient fused with american culture. like if i was playing with soldiers as a kid or action people i would give them american accents. >> stephen: really. (laughs) really? because our army knows how to kick ass? >> well, to be honest, there is a -- >> stephen: (as a typical american) we've gone into iraq, it's a huge mistake! >> is that you doing an english person doing an american? >> stephen: that's my impression of an english person doing an american accent. i don't want to get into the "harry potter" thing too much here. >> that's fine. don't worry. >> stephen: legally i have to -- at one point i have to say "you're a wizard, harry." (laughter) that's it. i'm done. i'm done now. i'm done now. because i've had -- i had elijah
wood sitting in that exact same seat. >> blocking your view the exact same way. >> stephen: the exact same height. we have a mark on the wall. (laughter) and do you think you could take anymore a fight? (laughter) do you think you could take elijah wood in a fight? >> i'm not calling him out or anything. so i don't -- you know what, yes! yes, i can! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: are you going to take that, elijah? daniel radcliffe, thank you so much for joining me. >> thank you! >> stephen: daniel radcliffe, everybody. "kill your darlings." we'll be right back. rs andeers and -xc=b=,x-x ra ptioning sponsored by
comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> stephen: that's it for "the - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ both: ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪ - ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ ♪ people spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪